Willard Mitt Romney, will you please go now?

I feel the need to preface this post by pointing out that I'm generally a pretty moderate guy. I primarily like politics from an observational standpoint. I believe the two-party system keeps extremism in check. I expect (and enjoy) scathing rhetoric from both sides.

What I don't care for is rank hypocrisy.

This brings me to Mitt Romney's RNC speech.

More disclaimers - hey, I'm a Democrat, how can I help but try to be as P.C. as possible? :) - I'm sure there were speeches that were equally bad at the DNC. I thought Palin's speech was pitch-perfect, McCain's was rousing, and Obama's didn't live up to the high standard he's set for himself. I haven't watched Biden's yet.

Romney's speech was awful. It totally contradicted McCain's message of reaching across the aisle. It could not have been more unattractive to independents. Mitt is setting himself up for 2012; he has four more years to shore up his shiny, new conservative credentials. After this speech, however, I don't think I could ever vote for him.

Here it is, in all it's glory:


And here's the text, with my thoughts interspersed in italics. You should be able to tell them apart, though (warning - it's Tolstoy length):

"For decades now, the Washington sun has been rising in the east. You see, Washington has been looking to the eastern elites, to the editorial pages of the Times and the Post, and to the broadcasters from the coast.

If America really wants to change, it's time to look for the sun in the west, cause it's about to rise and shine from Arizona and Alaska!

Oh, that’s worth a giggle. Mitt Romney throwing a jab at “eastern elites”? He’s the epitome of that group. Born into wealth and power, Harvard MBA, founded a successful private equity firm, ran for the Senate in and was Governor of which state? MASSACHUSETTS. News for ya, Guv: you don’t get to be a half-billionaire Bostonian and not be an eastern elite.

Last week, the Democratic convention talked about change. But, what do you think, is Washington now liberal or conservative? Let me ask you some questions: is a Supreme Court decision liberal or conservative that awards Guantanamo terrorists with constitutional rights? It's liberal! Is a government liberal or conservative that puts the interests of the teachers union ahead of the needs of our children? -- It's liberal!

Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and John Roberts are conservative judges by nearly every standard, and the swing vote – Anthony Kennedy – is significantly more conservative than Sandra Day O’Connor, whom Alito replaced. Bush has appointed two Supremes. Just because you don’t agree with a decision that hampers a president who believes we should be able to detain people forever without lawyers or trials doesn’t mean you get to call the Court liberal. That’s preposterous. (I don’t know what he’s talking about regarding the teachers union, so I’ll refrain from addressing it.)

Is a Congress liberal or conservative that stops nuclear power plants and off-shore drilling, making us more and more dependent on Middle East tyrants? -- It's liberal!

While I agree that we need nuclear power plants and off-shore drilling, it’s fairly ignorant to believe the drilling will save us from Middle East tyrants. OPEC’s production is always going to dwarf ours. If we start producing, they can reduce their production accordingly, keeping supply and, ostensibly, prices constant. New technology and decreased consumption is the only thing that’s going to save us.

Is government spending – putting aside inflation - liberal or conservative if it doubles since 1980? -- It's liberal!

Oh, this is HILARIOUS. Just because the Republican party embodies no semblance of true fiscal conservatism doesn’t mean you get to go blame it all on the Democrats! Bill Clinton left office with a SURPLUS; under Bush, the deficit is over $400,000,000,000.

We need change all right - change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington -- throw out the big government liberals and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin!

McCain voted with Bush 95% of the time. But add Palin to the ticket and all of a sudden, he’s grabbing the “Change” platform away from Obama! Utterly brilliant and could possibly win him the election.

It's the same prescription for a stronger economy. I spent 25 years in the private sector. I've done business in many foreign countries. I know why jobs come and why they go away. And I know that liberals don't have a clue.

This is about where the speech stopped being funny. This is a guy who made his money through leveraged buyouts and not caring for a moment what happened to people’s jobs, as long as he could create cash out of them.

They think we have the biggest and strongest economy in the world because of our government. They're wrong. America is strong because of the ingenuity and entrepreneurship and hard work of the American people.

The American people have always been the source of our nation's strength and they always will be!

We strengthen our people and our economy when we preserve and promote opportunity.

Opportunity is what lets hope become reality.

Opportunity expands when there is excellence and choice in education, when taxes are lowered, when every citizen has affordable, portable health insurance, and when constitutional freedoms are preserved.

Opportunity rises when children are raised in homes and schools that are free from pornography, promiscuity and drugs; in homes that are blessed with family values and the presence of a mom and a dad.

America cannot long lead the family of nations if we fail the family here at home!

That’s all pretty good stuff…

You see, liberals would replace opportunity with dependency on government largesse. They grow government and raise taxes to put more people on Medicaid, to take work requirements out of welfare, and to grow the ranks of those who pay no taxes at all. Dependency is death to initiative, to risk-taking and opportunity.

It is time to stop the spread of government dependency and fight it like the poison it is!

That’s the most reasonable argument against liberal social programs. It’s a concern, and a fine line has to be walked – just as, on the other side, there’s a fine line between cutting out waste and failing to help those who can’t help themselves.

You know, it's time for the party of big ideas, not the party of Big Brother!

Oh good, it’s funny again! When I think of Big Brother, I think of the following: Warrantless wiretaps! The PATRIOT Act! FISA! Permanent war! Thought Police! (anyone remember John Ashcroft?)

Our economy is under attack. China is acting like Adam Smith on steroids, buying oil from the world's worst, and selling nuclear technology. Russia and the oil states are siphoning more than 500 billion dollars a year from us in what could become the greatest transfer of economic wealth in the history of the world. This is no time for timid, liberal empty gestures.

Our economy slowed down this year; a lot of people are hurting. What happened? Mortgage money was handed out like candy and speculators bought homes for free. And when this mortgage mania finally broke, it slammed the economy. And stratospheric gas prices made things even worse.

OK…

Democrats want to use the slowdown as an excuse to do what their special interests are always begging for: higher taxes, bigger government and less trade with other nations.

…nope! Democrats don’t want to raise taxes; we want to cut taxes on over 95% of American families! Republicans want to spend forever without paying for it because you can’t take rich people’s money!

It's the same path Europe took a few decades ago. It leads to moribund growth and double-digit unemployment.

How’s the euro looking against the dollar these days?

The right course is the one championed by Ronald Reagan 30 years ago, and by John McCain and Sarah Palin today. The right course is to rein in government spending, lower taxes, take a weed-whacker to excessive regulation and mandates, put a stop to tort windfalls, and to stand up to the Tyrannosaurus appetite of government unions!

You lost me at 'rein in government spending'! Your party has no claim to this!

The right course is to pursue every source of energy security, from new efficiencies to renewables, from coal to non-CO2 producing nuclear, and the immediate drilling for more oil off of our shores! And I have one more recommendation for energy conservation -- let's keep Al Gore's private jet on the ground!

And between you and McCain there’s nearly a dozen houses! Let’s deride a whole group of people based on one member’s hypocrisy!

Last week, did you hear any Democrats talk about the threat from radical, violent Jihad? No. You see, Republicans believe that there is good and evil in the world. Ronald Reagan called out the Evil Empire. George Bush labeled the terror-sponsor states exactly what they are: the Axis of Evil.

And at Saddleback, after Barack Obama dodged and ducked every direct question, John McCain hit the nail on the head: radical, violent Islam is evil, and he will defeat it!

You see in this party, in this room tonight, and all over America, people in our party prefer straight talk to politically correct talk!

Ahh, yes. Straight talk - because nuance is for America-haters. AMERICA AMERICA AMERICA PALIN PITBULL MCCAIN P.O.W. P.O.W. VICTORY GODLESS LIBERALS WIN U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.!

Republicans, led by John McCain and Sarah Palin, will fight to preserve the values that have preserved the nation. We’ll strengthen our economy and keep us from being held hostage by Putin, Chavez and Ahmadinejad.

And we will never allow America to retreat in the face of evil extremism!

Just like you, there has never been a day when I was not proud to be an American.

And he smirks and takes in the crowds “ooohs” and “aaahs” as he says it. It’s a jab at Michelle Obama. But don’t forget that families are off-limits, y’all.

Just like you, there has never been a day when I was a drug addict who stole drugs from my own nonprofit medical relief organization.

See, I can throw little jabs at people’s wives when they make mistakes, too!

We Americans inherited the greatest nation in the history of the earth.

It’s our burden and privilege to preserve it, to renew its spirit so that its noble past is prologue to its glorious future.

To this we’re all dedicated and I firmly believe, by the providence of the Almighty, that we will succeed.

President McCain and Vice President Palin will keep America as it has always been -- the hope of the earth. Thank you, and God bless America."
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I’m beginning to think he did exactly that, Mitt, when he kept you out of the White House.